“Love was just a four-letter word. Until I meet you.” Words I mutter in my head of an old line from one of my poems. Did I love the right person at the wrong time? I would want to believe that I am destine to love again. I keep seeing his smile when I replay our last visit in my mind.

As I try to be figure out where my feelings are I had to give my cousin the latest :

Hey cuz,

You were right about me lying to myself of how I feel about Ryan. I don’t know what to do I feel like 5yrs never went by, and it just feel normal talking to him. When I saw Ryan it just felt right. But it’s not right. I don’t want to stop talking to him even as a friend.  I think because of where Tyrone and I are right now I’m just confused. I love Tyrone don’t get me wrong, I just don’t think I am ready for marriage right now. And I’m putting up a wall because that what’s next and deep down I don’t think I want to marry him. We have so many issues from me not trusting him because he keeps on cheating. I am confused right now I might have to jump on a plane even for a few days to London. I’m looking up tickets right now lol.

Reply:

It’s ok to be confused. I think you probably feeling him more than normal because you and Tyrone are having issues. If you wasn’t you wouldn’t be talking to him so much. If you don’t want to marry him now don’t force yourself because you would just not be happy in the long run. Did you do the list what were the results? If you look 5 years from now do you think you would be happy wit Tyrone even if yall did get married? If not think of a solution to fix it if that doesn’t work it might be time. Sometimes people outgrow each other but still have love. I had to make the decision with Paul. I still love him but I would never be long term happy because I know the type of life I want. Future happiness is just as important as happiness now. Don’t stay because of material things then its gonna be the marriage then kids so then you would never leave even though your unhappy. If you’re happy then its ok. Do what makes you happy in the long run because only you and your actions can do that everything else someone else does to make you happy is an added bonus.

I know Tyrone and I are having problems, with trust, fear, and denial. But its over and as much as I wish my current feelings started on better terms, a friend turned into a shoulder to cry on and deep down I was falling for him long before my last relationship ended. O’ No I am in trouble. As I replay this message in my head “The heart is not always right, most often we fall in love with the person we think we love, but to only discover that for them we are just a past time fling, while the one who truly love us remains either a friend or a stranger.”

I don’t want Ryan to remain only a friend, but I don’t want to make the same mistake again.

Especially when it I know him and his traits would only hurt me and break me into a million pieces worst then Tyrone ever had…

To Be Continue…

(I just want Ryan to be my refill… but I’m in trouble because I am still with Tyrone)