Stop the Clock

I wrote this last year when I made one of the hardest decisions in my life. I made the decision around the time of mother’s day and a year later it is still a  hard topic that makes me worried about my future, but I still have faith. Now I am 27 years old about to turn 28 in the next seven days, and I pray that one day I will become a mother!

By: Ms. K

 It’s that time of the year that we celebrating Mother’s Day once again. This time of  year for me is always a constant reminder that I might not experience the joy of motherhood, because of my battle with PCOS.  PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome is basically a hormone imbalance. It might be difficult to get pregnant. I don’t believe that I won’t become a mom, but a couple of months ago my doctor told me that I had to make a decision in regards to freezing my eggs. My heart stop, because I couldn’t believe that one day I might not become a mother to my own bundle of joy. All my friends are becoming moms and even though I don’t want to become a mother tomorrow, I want the option of becoming a mom one day. I want that unconditional bond that can’t be broken between a mother and a child.

I am a 26-year-old woman, that had to make a decision that  will affect my future. I never taught I would be having a conversation of my biological clock at this age. When I first met my doctor she broke down that I should have my first child by the time I am  30 years  . I felt my clock was ticking as she was breaking down each year for me to get pregnant. Not only was she breaking it down for me that had my heart racing, but I just ended an almost six-year relationship,  so I am single, I was not thinking about having a baby. So would I become a mother, did I make the right decision to become single, do I go out and find a baby daddy?  I left her office confused, thinking about my biological clock, I  wanted everything to freeze because I had to take a moment to think. I went into my car and cried because the one thing I taught I didn’t want as child was slowly becoming my reality. I felt my decision was being made for me without my consent.

I wanted more time. I just wanted to find a wonderful man to fall in love with,  then talk about babies. I don’t want to rush finding a mediocre man, and be stuck with him in my life forever because we have a child together.  I felt conflicted with finding the right man and finding the man to get me pregnant. I just wanted  a redo of my ovaries because this was too much pressure. I felt like I was being placed in-between a rock and a hard placed.  I don’t want to sound like a broken record, I just wanted to become a mom on my terms and not  be scared that it would not happen to me because my body is not cooperating.

The next visit only turned my world upside down. My blood work  showed elevated warning signs .  My doctor wanted me decide if I wanted to freeze my eggs so that one day I  can become a mother. I wanted to stay calm on the outside, but inside I was screaming and crying. I had three months to make a decision, but I just want to crumple up into a ball. How can I make that decision? How do I decide at this moment if I want to freeze my eggs? I had to make my decision my next visit in May. I just wanted everything to make sense, but slowly I felt my world was crumpling around me instead.

I had to make a decision! It was one of my  hardest decision I made as an adult. In the back of my mind I was just think what would happen if I don’t become a mom. I had mixed emotions because what ever I decide might affect my ability to become a mother. I prayed on my decision plus I asked my mom for her opinion.  I decided not to freeze my eggs and when I made my decision,I shed a tear. I will be telling my doctor on my next visit.  I can only pray I made the right decision. I hope I didn’t  make a mistake. I never made a decision that would not only effect my happiness in the end, but my ability to have that ultimate bond. Its scary, but I have confidence that I am meant to be a mother on my terms and not scared that my clock is ticking.

My clock will stop and wait for the right time for me to become a mother!